November is here and so is my stress

I've been nursing a tension headache for a week. My stress level is at an all time high. And my anger was on 10 today.

This semester has been the most stressful, nerve wrecking, irritating, time consuming and depressing ever. Since the last time I wrote, my math class has done nothing but drive me crazy every single week, where I question my entire college existence. The amount of work I've been putting in has been  insane. I knew this semester would be tough, but I wasn't prepared for just how tough.

On top of all of that, and the major source of my anger, I made the choice to apply for a full time position at my job. I've been saving for a car forever it seems, and the opportunity to go full time finally presented itself. I thought I had it in the bag until the one person who has more seniority over me, decided to apply for the same exact position. So now I'm screwed. I woke up today bright and early to repot a very root bound plant which turned into a nightmare, which set the tone for my entire mood of the day. Even though it's the last day of my work week before I'm off  until Monday, I am filled with more stress and anxiety and anger. My whole shift was filled with frustration and  I had many moments where I had to sit and just take a breathe. I'm mentally worn out and it's getting to me. I'm physically in pain because of my stress headache, and have no way of relieving any of it.  So I decided to write. Write it down and maybe that would help. I'm not sure what the next couple of weeks are going to bring but I have to say that, the last year has been rough. Every single month I have a new frustration. 

This semester has only gotten worse since my first week, and I expect the end result to be just devastating. I have only one class to pass in order to graduate and once again it will be math getting in my way. Math stopped me from walking in my own high school graduation. It's always been a huge obstacle in the way of the choices I've made in life career wise. But I decided to go back to school and try, and believe me, I am trying. I refuse to give up and that itself is making me even more angry, as odd as that sounds. I've learned how to really push myself these last few years. I've learned that if I do put in work, I will get something in return. So this is why I keep pushing. This semester has been testing me, and I do feel defeated but I won't give up.

But I do hope the next time I decide to write a blog entry, I will have something positive to say, because as of right now, everything sucks major ass. Seriously. I don't know what's going to happen job wise, right now I have no hope of getting what I want because I just got screwed over. It just really sucks because the one and only time I ever want to make a change, I get hit with a big haha nope. I feel like I fall steps backward when it comes to me wanting to make change financially. It's like something out of my control even though it feels like it's in my control. Anyway I am sad, I am unhappy, I am angry and I hurt. It's just been one of those times in my life. So again...maybe next time I write, I'll be in a better place, but at the moment, I feel like that is almost impossible. Until next time.

How many more meltdowns can I have

Here I write on September first. It's technically Sunday because it is after midnight, however it still feels like Saturday. Anyway, this is my weekend off and the new semester just started Monday. Well, last Thursday my first class opened up, so I began working on school right away. However, my dreadful math class opened Friday officially. So I have spent the last 48 hours doing so much math, crying, feeling depressed, feeling okay, crying, getting angry, feeling stuck, crying again, feeling fine, motivating myself and then repeat. Math has never been my thing, I struggle with it, it gives me anxiety. Last semester I had taken my first refresher math course since 2016 and I had a complete meltdown, I felt off, not like myself and cried in the shower which is obviously very dramatic but It was much needed. I made it through that class with a B. I also distinctly remember me telling myself to shut up now because I would have to repeat this same meltdown episodes next semester with my actual college math class.

So here I am. I went to Office Max today to buy a graphing calculator. It costed way too much money so I'm pissed. I have been so stressed out over this class, I keep breaking out in hives. I had a doctors appointment yesterday which even he mentioned that I am way too stressed. My neck muscles are insanely tight, when I got my massages her hand slipped off from trying to release the tightness. So I've been prescribed a few drugs to help my overall headaches/migraines etc. I'm truly surprised I have gotten one now with this math stress. Anyway, I have noting to say except I felt the need to pop in here and whine about something. So anyway I hope this semester shapes up but I doubt it. I told myself if I pass this math class, I will take a trip to Denver...at this moment I don't  think that's going to happen :(

Until next time.

Early June

Summer is here. Summer break is here, and I am trying to breathe while trying to figure out what to do with my new free time. It's been a while since I've posted. School kept me busy for the most part. So now that I am free of the school work I am on a mission to hit the gym more often, be more active overall and to get my finances in order so I can finally purchase a car. It's been a process, a long and irritating one but one that I am continuously on. I also turned 30 since the last time I posted. I spent the day eating at the fanciest restaurant I had ever been to, and being dressed up oh so fresh. It was a nice night and one that inspired the need for more girls trips, evenings, nights and just spending time with people, that I've known forever, but whose schedules never align correctly with mine and vice versa. 

So anyway...I don't really have much to say, which seems to be a theme with me lately. I'm just here trying to get my life together quietly while trying to now have a meltdown. Anyway, maybe in a few months I'll have something to say. Until next time and hopefully it isn't too long.