Summer 2022, two years later. An update for myself.

 

I have reached my Jesus year. 33. Got laid off. Started a new job, hated it, got a new one last June, and learned a lot. Just got another interview for another job sometime in the next two weeks. I graduated from college and now have my bachelor's degree.

It. Has. Been. A. Weird. Last. Few. Years

Like...I don't even know where to begin, My last post was in 2020. I got Covid in January so I started this new year off bad. I will say that I am relieved to finally be done with school. I started this blog,  long before I even started school and have literally grown into an entire adult since. To sum up life now, I am looking for jobs that would allow me to work remotely, do I think this is a good decision?, I'm not sure, but I've had so many changes in the last few years, what would another change be. My brain still technically feel stuck in 2019, when I was taking that horrid math class and breaking out in hives. 2020 brought out a lot of revelations on people in my life who were close to me, yet...oh hell, people who have racist and close-minded views. I feel like life now has been a personal journey of growth and figuring out the people around me and where I fit. 

Getting laid off was sad, and every time I'm at my new job I miss my old coworkers because we truly had a great supportive group. I started working at a children's hospital and while I like the organization, the job was not a good fit. I remained with the company and stayed on casual. The new interview I have coming up, is with this company and I am dreading it. I HATE interviews. 

I am trying to get back into fitness, 2016 and 17 were great years for me being on my fitness. I have also started reading again which I love.

Anyway...I have so much to say but just so little care to actually say it. I will blog again, I just wanted to check in here and see where I was last.

Until Next time.

2020...Covid, graduation and failed plans

I have reached 31 years of age. I planned a trip to Panama. Then Covid happened. Yeah...it's been quite the year. I won't go into how 2020 has been, between the pandemic, me living in Minnesota where protests  popped off, curfews, lockdown, national guard being on each corner, It's all too much, TEW MUCH, and I'm very much fatigued on the thought of any more chaos erupting. So an update...where do I begin.

My last post, I was detailing my struggles with my horrid math class, so to catch up, I finished that math class in December, which I had to go on campus to take my final which I bombed, I honestly didn't do horrible imo, but that professor was a complete and utter, walking ball of irritation. My final grade was a D, a whole D. I was not happy, because D is passing but D's don't transfer that well, at least that's what I thought. 

So I made the choice to retake the class and figured it wouldn't be that bad, it started off great and then quickly turned to crap, and then Spring Break came during March, and Covid hit, completely turning the world upside down. In short, I ended up having to withdraw from the class. It wasn't going well anyway, the professor literally did not teach the class, and made it ten times harder. I hate to admit it, but my first go round, was taught a million times better even though he was stingy with points. So I officially graduated in May, obviously no graduation, so I was mailed my degree and felt a small sense of relief. 

I enrolled for fall semester at Concordia to complete my Bachelors in Healthcare Administration, even though I may switch it, at first it was family science and then I said nah. Also that damn math class, that DAMN D, did transfer so hallelujah, I literally never have to deal with math driving me insane ever again. I look back on that time now and man...it was rough. Math really did a number on me.

So here I am, it's summer, I now work day shift, work is a total shit show but I have a  weird schedule now that grants me practically a week off every other week. I've been getting back into working out because last year took a big toll on my working out. Trying to balance everything out with my new work schedule has been a struggle, but this week it has been positive. It has been a rough last few months, the good news it, my car buying process will finally happen in about a month, I have made huge progress and finally my patience will be paying off.

I'll admit, it has been hard for me to feel excited about anything because of everything that has been going on, but I really had to take a step back, and tell myself that I have put in work, I am doing a great job, I am accomplishing my goals, things have not been easy and I have been using this blog for a decade now, here and there and I am proud of how far I have come.

I am trying to enjoy every minute of summer, trying to get excited about school because while getting my AA, all I could think about was how I would need to take math, and now I'm going for my damn Bachelors. Ugh self pat on the bag. So it may be a while before I write again, but I figured I owed myself an update to see my own progress, so until next time.

November is here and so is my stress

I've been nursing a tension headache for a week. My stress level is at an all time high. And my anger was on 10 today.

This semester has been the most stressful, nerve wrecking, irritating, time consuming and depressing ever. Since the last time I wrote, my math class has done nothing but drive me crazy every single week, where I question my entire college existence. The amount of work I've been putting in has been  insane. I knew this semester would be tough, but I wasn't prepared for just how tough.

On top of all of that, and the major source of my anger, I made the choice to apply for a full time position at my job. I've been saving for a car forever it seems, and the opportunity to go full time finally presented itself. I thought I had it in the bag until the one person who has more seniority over me, decided to apply for the same exact position. So now I'm screwed. I woke up today bright and early to repot a very root bound plant which turned into a nightmare, which set the tone for my entire mood of the day. Even though it's the last day of my work week before I'm off  until Monday, I am filled with more stress and anxiety and anger. My whole shift was filled with frustration and  I had many moments where I had to sit and just take a breathe. I'm mentally worn out and it's getting to me. I'm physically in pain because of my stress headache, and have no way of relieving any of it.  So I decided to write. Write it down and maybe that would help. I'm not sure what the next couple of weeks are going to bring but I have to say that, the last year has been rough. Every single month I have a new frustration. 

This semester has only gotten worse since my first week, and I expect the end result to be just devastating. I have only one class to pass in order to graduate and once again it will be math getting in my way. Math stopped me from walking in my own high school graduation. It's always been a huge obstacle in the way of the choices I've made in life career wise. But I decided to go back to school and try, and believe me, I am trying. I refuse to give up and that itself is making me even more angry, as odd as that sounds. I've learned how to really push myself these last few years. I've learned that if I do put in work, I will get something in return. So this is why I keep pushing. This semester has been testing me, and I do feel defeated but I won't give up.

But I do hope the next time I decide to write a blog entry, I will have something positive to say, because as of right now, everything sucks major ass. Seriously. I don't know what's going to happen job wise, right now I have no hope of getting what I want because I just got screwed over. It just really sucks because the one and only time I ever want to make a change, I get hit with a big haha nope. I feel like I fall steps backward when it comes to me wanting to make change financially. It's like something out of my control even though it feels like it's in my control. Anyway I am sad, I am unhappy, I am angry and I hurt. It's just been one of those times in my life. So again...maybe next time I write, I'll be in a better place, but at the moment, I feel like that is almost impossible. Until next time.

How many more meltdowns can I have

Here I write on September first. It's technically Sunday because it is after midnight, however it still feels like Saturday. Anyway, this is my weekend off and the new semester just started Monday. Well, last Thursday my first class opened up, so I began working on school right away. However, my dreadful math class opened Friday officially. So I have spent the last 48 hours doing so much math, crying, feeling depressed, feeling okay, crying, getting angry, feeling stuck, crying again, feeling fine, motivating myself and then repeat. Math has never been my thing, I struggle with it, it gives me anxiety. Last semester I had taken my first refresher math course since 2016 and I had a complete meltdown, I felt off, not like myself and cried in the shower which is obviously very dramatic but It was much needed. I made it through that class with a B. I also distinctly remember me telling myself to shut up now because I would have to repeat this same meltdown episodes next semester with my actual college math class.

So here I am. I went to Office Max today to buy a graphing calculator. It costed way too much money so I'm pissed. I have been so stressed out over this class, I keep breaking out in hives. I had a doctors appointment yesterday which even he mentioned that I am way too stressed. My neck muscles are insanely tight, when I got my massages her hand slipped off from trying to release the tightness. So I've been prescribed a few drugs to help my overall headaches/migraines etc. I'm truly surprised I have gotten one now with this math stress. Anyway, I have noting to say except I felt the need to pop in here and whine about something. So anyway I hope this semester shapes up but I doubt it. I told myself if I pass this math class, I will take a trip to Denver...at this moment I don't  think that's going to happen :(

Until next time.

Early June

Summer is here. Summer break is here, and I am trying to breathe while trying to figure out what to do with my new free time. It's been a while since I've posted. School kept me busy for the most part. So now that I am free of the school work I am on a mission to hit the gym more often, be more active overall and to get my finances in order so I can finally purchase a car. It's been a process, a long and irritating one but one that I am continuously on. I also turned 30 since the last time I posted. I spent the day eating at the fanciest restaurant I had ever been to, and being dressed up oh so fresh. It was a nice night and one that inspired the need for more girls trips, evenings, nights and just spending time with people, that I've known forever, but whose schedules never align correctly with mine and vice versa. 

So anyway...I don't really have much to say, which seems to be a theme with me lately. I'm just here trying to get my life together quietly while trying to now have a meltdown. Anyway, maybe in a few months I'll have something to say. Until next time and hopefully it isn't too long.

Thanksgiving Eve

I randomly thought about my post from last Thanksgiving and how bad I felt after getting off work. Hopefully tomorrow is not a repeat of that. So that's right it's Thanksgiving Eve and I just finished eating some hot wings that irritated the life out of my gums. My left thigh hurts so I just took some Aleve. I'm currently Pms'ing so I feel like a bloated bullfrog muffin. So just a great day for me. I haven't written since my last post where the school blues were in full force. My semester will be ending in a few weeks and I didn't find my groove with school until about a month ago. Took a while. At the moment I have a light load and am planning on cleaning all weekend long and working on school stuff. I did 5 days of working out last week. I have technically worked out 2 days this week. I'm hoping tomorrow evening I can get back to it and then the weekend but I'km 90% sure my period will come and now allow for me to do any of that.

So it is currently 12:33am. I had a week where I was going to bed super late and wasn't happy about it, then I spilled tea on my MacBook and destroyed my laptop...DESTROYED. So I'm Currently typing this on my new MacBook Pro which I love and hate at the same time. So anyway after destroying my laptop I started going to bed earlier which made me feel like I was gettin my life together. For about 5 minutes. Anyway I have nothing to say but I don't post on here enough. Until Next time.

School is back in session, September is here

It's 2:51am. September 2nd and I just finished 4 loads of laundry. My ankles and wrists are bitten up by mosquito bites, they are so bad they woke me up at 7am this morning. This week had been stressful to the max. I had a wonderful weekend with my guy. I was able to relax and just enjoy the time spent with him. But Sunday cam and both of us feel the dread of the work week. For me work and school.

So Monday arrived and I was hit with stress from the beginning of the semester craziness. My classes this semester suck, I'm only taking 2 which is a change from my typical 4 classes or 12 credits I've done for the last year and a half. But I was trying to decide which class to take and which one to drop, which one I needed and I needed them all.Work was insane, my pet bird died, I worked alone, got a migraine and am still fighting the second cold I've had in 7 months, going on 4 weeks. My whole year has been trash so far. TRUE TRASH. So this weekend I am off and decided I needed to not stress myself out. So I would relax but also start getting ahead on my school work and even gave myself a week off of the gym. I plan to start back at the gym either tomorrow or Monday.

I am full of stress and trying not to but it seems like everything me keep testing me. I keep asking myself why this year of all years, are things going bad every single month?, seriously there is always something each month that sucks. If I went down the line and listed off each bad thing each month I would get even more depressed. Anyway this is a late night rant and I want to sleep. Until next time.

A weird summer evening

I worked overtime at work last week and into the weekend. And then got sick. My second time this year after a 5 year span of nothing. This is annoying.

So I ended up not going into work for most of the week. I was asked to come in today but I still feel crappy. Most of my week was spent watching movies on Netflix and Hulu and trying to rest even though I didn't want to. So no workout this week after a 6 days straight of working out. This is my last weekend to myself before school starts. Next weekend I'll be spending time with the guy I'm seeing. It's always a mental break from everything when I see him, which is always nice. I am trying however to keep myself from feeling the dread of school.

I don't really have much to say, I was just sitting outside trying to soak up some of this summer air, it's actually been quite nice today. I haven't gotten the chance to sit outside that much this summer to enjoy the summer evening because I keep getting tied up with other things. I am doing my laundry and in a little while entertaining  my little cousin who is coming over to spend the night. I got a message from someone I used to see, which makes me watching my little cousins and receive this message from him ironic. Around the time when my cousin was a very little baby, I used to babysit her every day from around 5:30am to 3pm and at this time I was beginning to talk to this person. It made me reflect on that year of my life and how things were then. Man have I grown. Anyway, I have noting to say and am not sure why I felt the need to write a random entry tonight. Anyway, until next time.

A cold summer night and reflection

I just drank a cup of newly bought Raspberry Leaf tea in which I  hope to tame my lovely cramps that shall be arriving full force tomorrow. It is now August, August 1st to be exact but this post will be published on August 2nd because in true me fashion, I am writing after midnight. Nightowl forever.  So about this weather it was 63 degrees today, I just got back from a late night grocery store trip and my ears practically froze. Not the typical weather for August.

So the other day a coworker of mine, finished their last day at my job and I find myself, feeling somber about it. Obviously when you work with people for a couple of years they become these beings that  have an impact on your life. You see them everyday, they get to know you, you get to know them. This coworker in particular was there before I started and I still remember their kind words for me when I was a nervous and uncomfortable wreck walking into that hospital. We shared a long hug before we parted ways and I already miss them. It makes me reflect back on me being at my job and all of the people who have come and gone and how with some people the effects are so much more and this coworker was definitely one of them. It makes me reflect on where I'm at in life. I remember when I first got my job I told myself this was the new hospital chapter of my life and I always thought about how long this chapter would last. How long I would be at this job. The first couple of months was a struggle, I wanted to make my employment there a short one. But becoming comfortable and learning my job kicked in and I stayed on and here I am 5 years later. I worry about my job now because tomorrow would be the day that this coworker would work but now they won't be there. I won't see their bag propped up on the table and hear their laughter. I know I'm extra emotional because of my impending period but...it's still sad. I lost two good coworkers just a few months back and I miss them as well but both started after me so it's a bit different. I was hired at my job with another guy, we both started at the same day but he had left after maybe a year or two and during that time I felt a different kind of somber in that we had started at the same time and now he is gone and I feel like I'm being left behind. It was very strange. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I felt the need to express how I feel and the sadness I feel about this person leaving. I made myself a tuna croissant sandwich. I've eaten way to much in the past week but had some good workouts in between but I don't feel that great. School starts at the end of this month but I'm not even trying to think about that nonsense. I want to enjoy the rest of my summer. My guy that I'm talking to is coming here toward the end of the month, we are going to a preseason football game. So that should be fun. Anyway I'm talking about absolutely nothing. Until next time....





hopefully I'm in a better mood.

It's Spring.

It's my birthday month and it's cold and crisp and the snow comes and goes and it's getting old real quick.

So it's 2:07am. I would love to wind down but I spent two hours taking my political science midterm which sucked. But I am glad it's over so I don't have that hanging over my head this weekend. 

I have to do my taxes tomorrow and go grocery shopping. I need to look up more recipes on how to make overnight oats which surely...well maybe might be gross but I need to get inspired again to try out new things and eat right. I've been fitness inspired the whole week yet making time to actually get to the gym hasn't been easy because my school load was heavy this week. I do work this weekend but I think I can get in a workout friday,saturday and Sunday.  My friend had a gym membership so going to the gym with her has been very fun and great for my body even though I'm bloated and haven't made much progress in months, but understandably so, I've cut myself some slack because I'm still grieving and I've had a lot of negative things hit me, but I still make the effort to go to the gym.

Anyway...It's April and I probably won't make another post until like June or something. So this birthday is a big deal. It's the last year I will be in my 20s. I will be 29 years old and...man...have my 20s gone by fast. Well...not fast but...it's just caused for me to reflect a lot. My life has had many changes in the last 4/5 years. I stopped speaking to my" Best Friend" of like 14 years because she was toxic in more ways than one.  She had always been toxic but it was to the point that when I received texts from her I would get angry right away, that was not good. She was jealous and competitive and as I got older I just became exhausted from it. When I think back now and it's honestly only been a few months since she texted me but it's going on like two years well three of me not exactly talking to her, I find that I don't really miss her. There are times I think of how funny she was but that was in high school and that was in between all of her negative energy that would suck me down and I've moved on to better things. I got out of my stand still.

Dating. That was a huge one. That gave me confidence and opened up a part of my life that didn't existed for so many years. It taught me a lot. A whole lot and caused me to discover that I have an issue that other women face. Something I don't want to talk about here because I feel like I should make a separate blog about it but I barely keep up with this one. Anyway It's an issue that is curable and something I'm working on but something that wow...I didn't know anything about.

As I approach the end of my 20s I reflect more and I do feel lost and sad and happy and conflicted.  But I learn that I'm complex and everyday I learn. I'm still sad honestly about my grandmother passing. It's been hard for me to cherish moments that put me in a good mood because I think about her and realize she's not here anymore and, she spent 28 years in my life and...that was it. I'm well aware of the grieving process, but it's been a while since it's hit me. I've been through a lot emotionally.

I remember being a kid and being in the backseat of my mom's car and this is before I started wearing glasses when I first noticed the blurry visions because the streetlights wouldn't be clear. We'd be driving down the street at night leaving my grandma's place which I would always be sad about because my grandmas place was the funnest place ever. But we'd make our way through these streets and 90's R&B would be on, Blackstreet, Montell Jordan etc. Then I would hear 90s house and dance remixes and I would imagine what people in their 20s did. Go out to clubs, have fun that I didn't know the details of what that actually consisted of but I knew it was fun. I remember it being a summer day and my mom and dad were driving out to meet family and we stopped at a gas station and I just remember having a gatorade in my lap and looking out at the highway an sunny blue skies and just being the happiest ever. My grandma mom and uncle were leaving a store one day it was tiny yet this sky was purple and as I looked at the purple sky I kept thinking about babydoll and Full House. Yes the tv show. I think about being in the 7th and 8th grade and this time after my mom passed watching WWE smackdown and WWW Raw with my cousins and getting sooooo pumped up about the Rock  beating up on everyone. I remember burning my wrist before the first day of kindergarten and watching saturady morning cartoons and feeling like the cereal aisles were full of endless cereal flavors that I would get to try when I got older. This moment my dad and I took a walk to a lake and I came back home and walked around outside kicking around mushrooms. Being addicted to the Backstreet Boys when I was 8 and listening to their CD on full blast and I recorded the Their Concert and The Parent Trap on Disney Channel.

These are memories I cherish. As I finish of my 20s I hope to create something, a memory of some sort that can bring me out of the funk that I'm in. I know I have to work at it mostly now but my  happy feeling moments come at random and are few and far in between. I know I sound straight up depressed, I promise I'm not but I am sad. It's 2:36am now. I should probably go to sleep. I'm off tomorrow thank goodness but work the weekend. Bleh. I most likely won't post anymore until months after I turn 29. I check in then and hopefully I have something less sad to write about. Until next time.

Winding Down with space heaters and empty Humidifiers

It's 1:33am and I'm curled up in my messy bed, wearing compression socks and trying to fight the craving for snacking on some cheese and crackers. It's now February and I have to say my 2018 has started off absolutely terrible. It started with,
Break outs and lots of them
A Migraine from stress that hit me after a nice workout
A Car accident
Not having medical insurance
Having to now pay over 3 grand for damages which is going to steal from my savings, my car purchase and my own debt pay off.
Getting a cold for the first time in 4 years
My phone isn't responding on one side

Soooo....yeah and it's only February. I am currently trying to wind down but I have my first essay to write for this semester and I find myself feeling the same way I felt last semester and the previous spring semester. Overwhelmed. I am still getting over my cold. I spent 6 days laying in my bed watching the sun come up and come down, full of fatigue and feelings of depression. I m kind of shocked at how awful my year has been so far. I'm trying to stay strong and tough it all out but I feel almost sick of toughing it out and pushing through. I try to stay on top of everything, workout, et right, other things I need to do daily that I won't mention here but it's super important. I feel like there are simply not enough hours in the day. I know most people feel that way. I know that I'm having a moment of weakness and a lot of that has to do with school right now but man has this year sucked for me and IT"S ONLY FEBRUARY. Anyway...it's late and I'm sleepy. It's now 2:15am and my nose is semi clogged.

I ate cheese and crackers



...and finished off some mini oreo thins. I need to get back to working out. Until next time.

December 2017 Wrap up

So here I am at 11:13 am on a freezing Sunday soon to be afternoon. I wanted to make a post simply because it's sort of tradition for me to wrap up my December with a reflection post. So where do i begin?

2017 to look back wasn't really a year of anything for me. I just sort of continued on doing what I have been doing and trying to stick with it. A year of consistency, at least trying to be. I look back on this year as a year of pain due to me losing my great grandmother. A year of trying to figure out how to be stronger and stand my ground and let things go. A year of playing around with my natural hair, finally learning how to do the wash and go and realizing that waiting for my natural hair to reach a certain length to do certain things with it is a waste of time. Just enjoy my hair right now and make it cute. I am 28 years old in 2017, so I find myself learning how to work this adult thing. Feeling grown and feeling like a kid other times. I've reflected a lot on my life and while I obviously have a lot to learn and still don't know where I'm going, I do know where I want to go and know that everyday I learn more. I'm also highly confused and unsettled but after reading a bit...it's quite normal especially at my age.  So in 2017 I don't go in with resolutions. I'm going in with goals I already set up for myself. I hope to have one giant bill paid, get A's and B's in in Spring Semester. Continue working out and buy myself a damn car!!!!!!!!!!!!. Laugh more, do more, see more, smile on the inside more. So on that note, I usually have more to say but my lack of ranting is pretty much a reflection of this year, I'm just doing me and don't have much to say about it. Until next time.




See ya next year

A Random night post after an off day

It's thanksgiving night and I sit here having a very rare day of feeling off, irritated, down and overwhelmed. I woke up this morning to the fresh scent of a clean comforter and throw blankets, because that following evening I came home from work with a bed full of cat vomit. I slept like crap as well, on and off awake all night. So I went to work today and it was dead slow as it usually is on Holidays, towards the end of the night at work I started to feel just off and frustrated and sad. I got home and made a sad can of beef stew and sat in bed. I finished quite a bit of school work because tomorrow morning I'm watching my baby cousin for a loooong time and I wanted to get all of my more challenging work out of the way. As I sat in my room going back and forth from watching Boomerang on tv and playing games and scrolling Instagram. I got really sleepy but it was only 9pm and I was not trying to check out that early. I checked some of my grades online and my grade went down a few points which pissed me off This biology class I'm taking, I feel like I can't win in it. I get a few good grades my overall grade doesn't move, then it randomly drops and I'm already at a C which I will happily take but a D I cannot. It's just frustrating and what's even more irritating is I found more assignments that are due for the damn class. We are reaching the end of the semester, my nails are breaking off, I had some period breakouts and after a wonderful week of great gym sessions I put it all off to get my work done. I can't have a good gym session If I know have loads of school work to do.  Anyway, we are reaching the end of the semester and my two other classes are finishing up with work, but this DAMN class is just more and more by the minute. I feel overwhelmed. I think all of this was amplified by the fact that when I got home, I didn't have anything really to work on in that moment and I just felt bored.  A feeling I don't feel often because I always keep myself busy. I think today was just one of those days, a long overdue bad day. My freshly washed comforter is now stained with an chocolate almond that decided to roll underneath me so now melted chocolate is everywhere. I feel like I'm merely existing and everything around me i just crumbling little by little and I mean that in the least dramatic way possible.  Today was just one of those days and I feel like crap. I feel ugly and fat, invisible and gross. Man oh man is being a female, or human for that matter is just origin sometimes for no reason. Anyway I should be getting to bed, I'm sure I'll sleep terrible and babysitting until evening tomorrow will surely do a number on me. Until next time.

November update, missing in action once again

I had zero clue that I hadn't posted since December of last year. But then again I'm not really surprised at my lack of commitment to this blog. Anyway, every once in a blue moon I remember this blog and read through my old posts and then I get an itching to write. So today on this chilly November afternoon before I go to work shortly I shall post. So where the freak do I even begin...it's been a year almost!!. Okay...so maybe I'll rewind back. So my last post was in December, I made a goal to get in shape and actually take getting in shape seriously and losing some weight because I gained like 900 lbs over the past few years, because you know?, "Adulthood". Honestly I had made a quiet little goal to myself that if I passed my road test I would work out...I figured I wouldn't pass so then I would have an excuse not to workout hahahahahah....so I guess it's good I passed which by the way it's been a year since I go my License!!!, crazy right?. Anyway so back to getting in shape, I did, I mean I am, getting there. Went from 179 to now 159. 20 lbs bruh! I've definitely made going to the gym a priority and a huge part go my life. A big reason for it, buying cute workout clothing. My wardrobe has grown and I look fabulous in my gym clothes. I still have a long way to go and have definitely slacked off a few months since Fall semester has been in session. But this week I put in that work!. I think I'm finally getting back into my workout groove and I'm very happy about it.

Speaking of school, I'm full time, and taking a Biology class from the pits of the devil's butt crack. I have about three weeks of the semester left and I'm impatiently waiting. I've got a paper to revise, a paper to write and a load of biology labs to start but I'm almost there. Fingers crossed light at the end of the tunnel is visible. One thing that happened in my life and something I will not dwell on because I simply can't but I lost my great grandmother september 21st. I'm still devastated, I'm still hurting, I miss her everyday but that is something I will not talk about on here because I already said my peace.

So what else...I'm sort of seeing someone, we aren't official, we've talked for 4 years and it wasn't until last February...another motivator for getting in shape that we finally met up in real life. He lives two hours away so that makes things a bit tricky but we've gotten together a few times now. It's been great, he's great. We trying to get as much done when he comes, art museums, restaurants, science museums etc. Or just be lazy and lay in bed. So far I'm content with my love life. It still weird me even having one considering I went sooooooo...soooooo long without one.

2016 reflection in early December.

I usually put a picture as my header but I decided screw it. I have also cried about 3 times about stories of animals. It's1:54am feeling my melatonin kick in, not my natural melatonin of course but the OTC pills I take on occasion to fall asleep. I just finished the series Search Party a show on TBS which I just binged over the last two days. I was deciding on if I should watch another episode of Pitch before I go to bed, another show that I just started watching, but I decided to write instead and babble as I do since it's been a little bit.

So I've been thinking about life a lot lately, overall I have been proud of myself for accomplishing my goals. I don't make New Years resolutions but I made goals that I wanted to accomplish this year, as a fresh start, so in a way it is a resolution but I'd rather call them goals because the new year isn't the biggest factor but more so a reflection if that make sense. I finished off my 2015 year on a roll of wanting to get things done and while 2016 has been challenging in all sorts of ways, I have done things I set out to do.

I have to say that it all started with my Marley twists, putting those twists in my hair was a stepping stone for me as odd as that sounds. As a kid who would get a new pair of shoes or jeans but then chicken out and not want to wear them in fear of what others would say, I spent a good chunk of my life not doing things because of what other people would think. I don't think I'm a special little snowflake because many people go through this is much more severe cases than me just not wanting to wear a certain pair of jeans, however this did have a huge effect on me for years long after. As I get older I do care less. It began to hit me more in my early 20's and now in my late 20's on a scale to 1-10 I'm at a 9 and 1/4. Putting those twists in my hair was daring and something I had never done before. Before that I had began dating heavily and putting myself out there which I had never done before which resulted in a new level of self awareness and self confidence. That coupled with the twists that really set in motion the things I felt I needed to do. So once I had those twists in my hair, my attitude began to change. I bought lipstick for the first time, typical nudes and then BAM!! Ruby Woo from MAC and then it was on. By doing these small things I realized that fear was holding me back, and while fear would never go away I wasn't going to allow it to stifle my life anymore. I mentioned in another post about how every year I would be hit with tears and sorrow on my birthday because I didn't like where my life was at and that for the first time in like 5 years that feeling is gone because I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Before I started the goal accomplishing I remember reading a quote about how if you were being overwhelmed by feelings of not being happy with where you were at that shows that you aren't doing what you need to be doing and I applied that and started going for it.

School was one of the biggest decisions because I wanted to go but always backed out. I wanted to start school during the Fall semester of 2015 but couldn't and forced  myself and I mean FORCED myself to get all of my accuplacer studying done so I couldn't register for the Spring semester in which I made happen. The day I walked out of the accuplacer testing and knew that I was enrolling in school finally, I became overwhelmed with happiness. I felt 'grown up" in a weird way. Once I enrolled in my first semester I felt the confidence kicking in. Then the long awaited goal of getting my license which just happened a month ago really made me feel good.

Getting my license especially is something I've blogged about since 2009. I forced myself to get out on the road during the spring, I had spent countless years making a plan on getting myself out there during the spring and summer, literally I would fantasize about me driving during those seasons and learning well and accomplishing my goal, but due to busy relatives it was so hard to have someone teach me but the final straw in what made me really push for my license was one night, I came home from work and was struggling to get a ride, at the time I hadn't set up UBER and the Taxi company was super busy, I asked my uncle for a ride home and I was met with complaints about how I needed to get my own car, in which set me off on a rage of complete and utter irritation. He had promised for months to take me out driving but excuse after excuse and I gave up hope that I would ever drive, until that night, that final complaint, that was the last straw. The next day I bullied my uncle into taking me out to drive. So in late April I shakily circled parking lot after parking lot and from that point on I used every single opportunity to get out driving, a lot of the time by myself which yes is a illegal but HEY!, a girl has got to learn. Driving by myself really made me focus and I spent all of April through July really driving every single weekend I was off and any time during the week I could get practice in. 

I really worked hard these last few months to accomplish my goals I set for myself. I am writing this entry now in early December because unless I'm hit with a reflective mood on New Years Eve I will most likely forget to blog and be on another 8 month hiatus. 

But anyway I am just rambling about my life, it al started with hair and here I am now. Slowly setting up goals for the upcoming year, and the next chapter of my life. I don't really know yet what my goals are yet but I'm sure I'll figure out something and then going about that work will come shortly after. So anyway that's all I wanted to say tonight, it's 2:30am and I wanted to be sleep around 1am...Hmm...there's a goal right there. Until next time.

Accomplishing my goals, Daylight Savings sucks and ramblings

A blurry picture of orange leaves

So an update. It is now November, my last entry was in September and I was being hit with the autumn nostalgia that I feel every single Fall. Now I am feeling the burnt out, dreadful dark at 5pm irritation, that makes me want November to be over with a quickness but I also don't want December to come because of the snow. I had every intention of going on a lovely fall walk and snapping pictures of the leaves before they completely fell, however the picture above is the only picture I have taken and I was in the car, while the car was moving. So what a fail that was. The leaves have almost fallen off completely and I am completely over it. So on to the good stuff.

I currently have Marley twists in my hair, I put them in almost two weeks ago, four and a half hours of Clueless and Cruel Intentions on Netflix and I was done. I resorted back to the original YA MAN brand of Marley hair when I first installed them. I bought 7 packs and only used 3 and a half which is amazing because the Vanessa Brand I bought last time I ran through 5 packs of hair that didn't even want to twist into my hair right. So lesson learned. I wanted to put the twists in because I went to a Thunder From Down Under show with a friend so I wanted my hair to be no fuss and fabulous which it was. Also I was getting sick of doing my hair and I'm running out of hair products, so a win win all around.

At the end of September I scheduled my road test, yes the long awaited test that I have dreaded all my life. I scheduled it in Eagan, MN. So as you can imagine I spent the rest of September and October stressing hardcore. Also my month of October was absolutely horrid. My cat got sick so I spent a crap load of money getting him taken care of which in return hurt me hard financially. I was in a never-ending cycle of one thing after the other, plus my personal relationships with friends and a little closer than friends relationship all began to act crazy and crumble to pieces. October was a terrible month for me, from start to finish. 

So besides all of that chaos in October, my road test...so I scheduled it for November 2nd, so from that point on I was freaking out. I spent the last three weeks getting in parallel parking practice which I did successfully but I wanted more practice before I went but my uncle became insanely lazy so that never happened. I also spent numerous hours online, Youtube more specifically looking at all driving videos, of people telling the tales of their own road tests, plus practice and tip videos. All which made me even more nervous and sick to my stomach. On top of this, my class which I wasn't doing too hot in had my second exam due the weekend after my road test, also the Thunder From Down Under with my friend and also my cousin's baby shower, so I had a lot going on, now add nerves to that and it's all a giant mess. So I ended up withdrawing from my class because I realized it was taking up so much of my time and making it harder for me to focus in another class so I had to ease up. So I withdrew the week before my test because I knew I wasn't going to be able to focus whatsoever.

The ROAD TEST

So the day of the test, I slept awful obviously, I woke up that day and only ate a rice cake, food does not work when I'm full of NERVES!. So my uncle and I arrived around 12:40, my text being at 1pm. We had to drive about 25 minutes away to Eagan which is a suburb of St.Paul, the last time I was in Eagan I was with a guy I spent my summer and fall with during 2014, so now when I think of Eagan...I don't think about my late night childhood trips to the Walmart they have out there and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. So anywho...I prayed that I would get this old man instructor who was nice but instead out walks this young hipster with ray bans, tight pants, side part, slick hair who is full of tats. Granted he was hot but I DID NOT WANT HIM TO BE MY EXAMINER. He got in the car and I thought I was going to puke, he made me so nervous. He asked me to turn on the signal lights and to make a long story short, the right one decided to break, we had 45 min to go get it fixed and come back before my appointment would have to be rescheduled and I was not about to reschedule this test considering I booked it more than a month ago. After he walked away to talk to my uncle, I was met with the gaze of other ladies taking their test and ironically all Black.  I told the girl to the left of me how nervous I was, she started freaking out as well but her boyfriend was like girls calm down. So we went to the auto shop got the part and I resumed my position in the lane. I then began practicing my breathing, and praying hard that I didn't get Mr.Hipster, seriously out of all the examiners I get the young hot one. So I sat in the car impatiently waiting for my examiner. I then saw.  Hipster walk out of the building with an older man and I started breathing even harder, I wanted to cry. But then a miracle happened and the hipster began walking to the other car, he glanced at me and waved and I waved back, screaming in my head how happy I was about not getting him.

So the old man got in the car and went over the course and then we began. I was insanely nervous but would have been more nervous if Mr. Hipster was in the car with me. I stopped at an intersection with no stop sign like an idiot, bent the pole of 90 degree back in and parallel parking was garbage. By doing all of that I was like oh well I had failed I am done. I swear two minutes after me doing terrible, he told me to pull over and park. We parked and he said, " Well you passed".

I PASSED.

I was in a state of shock because 1. I had barely eaten. 2. I was full of adrenaline and 3. I'm pretty sure I was blacked out during the rest of that test.

He then rambled about football and then got out and I walked past my uncle telling him that I passed, he thought I was going to fail after I bent that pole but I ended up getting a better score on the back in then the parking.

So I went into the DMV in a state of shock and anxiousness because I had to be at work very soon. So I got my picture taken. Got back home, ate some McDonalds and then went to work and worked my butt off. When I got home it finally hit me that I had passed my road test and have finally after 27 years I now have my license. Crazy right?.

So that night my body finally began to relax from the adrenaline. I CRASHED, I was out like a light. I woke up the next day fairly early and it hit me as soon as I woke up that omg...I have a drivers license. So I then began to feel super happy and pumped up. I finally did it, I finally accomplished my goal that I have been trying to for so many years. I did it, and can't believe I did it. The next day I was able to actually process it and feel the excitement of having accomplished one of my biggest goals ever. I had made a promise to myself that I would have my license by the time I went to Texas again, that and something else but I can't mention that. Anyway, my license still hasn't come in the mail, I am getting quite impatient so hopefully soon I will have it because going out to various places that require ID is no fun.

That weekend I went to Thunder From Down Under where I had a lot more fun than I thought I would seeing these half naked men prance around with bodies I'm even jealous of. Busting out Channing Tatum choreo from Magic Mike. So my drivers test was a success and I had a fun weekend following that. So what's next in store?, buying a car. So I don't mean to cut this short but it's late and I'm exhausted and this post is long. It's bedtime for me. So in conclusion, I have made many entries in this blog an my old blog about wanting to drive but not having anyone be able to take me out, I also has such a huge fear of it. But I finally got over it that day I got out there in April and worked super hard driving as much as I could so I could accomplish my goal of getting my license FALL 2016. I did it!, finally!. Until Next time.

It's the September blues...kinda

I'd usually post a picture of my latest hair style but my hair is so very uninspiring right now. So here we go, it is officially September, at least it has been for 8 days now...9 if you count that I'm writing this after midnight. We are officially heading into Fall season. Probably my most favorite season. For some reason I always get in the mood to watch Roseanne and Home Improvement. The Halloween episodes of each show. Although I've never fully celebrated Halloween, I've always enjoyed the atmosphere of it. The candy, the scary stories and movies. The crispness of dying that fall brings is so warming to me. Oh and Fall Candles are the best.

So my last few months have been filled with stress and self pity...I felt like I wasn't accomplishing my goals and it was making me extremely frustrated. I also just felt lost because of me being out of school for like 4/5 weeks left me feeling unproductive. Overall my month of August sucked major donkey feet. My weekends that I was off of work were absolutely terrible. As weird as that sounds I dreaded my weekends off because I knew I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Now add some issues with other human beings and you've got a recipe for a crapy weekend. It's just been really tough dealing with life lately and trying to keep my head up.

As for my hair...well I haven't done much to it. In fact I'm all out of hair products and need to buy some. It's been a while since I made a post about new hair products I use so I will need to do that!. But yeah, my hair is just blag right now, I've been craving straight hair but the humidity and storms we've been getting in this early September have been an obstacle. So I may not be able to get this hair straight until much deeper into Fall. I thought about putting Marley twists back in. I really do enjoy the protective styling but I feel like I'm to lazy to spend four hours installing them. Plus I'm not ready to give up my curls yet. I just don't know what to do with my hair!.

Any who school is back in session since the 22nd of August. My third class begins next monday so I'm kind of like.."Ehhhhhhblehhh", not sure what sound that makes but that is how I'm feeling. School doesn't suck right now but other areas of my life do so at this moment I'm quite bleak. Bleak indeed. As for my driving, it severely lacked in August so that is one of the reasons I was insanely irritated. I'm hoping to get some more practice done because My goal was OCTOBER!!!, however I may have to push it to November. Ultimately I made  goal to myself to have my license but the next time I go out of town to Texas(Ahhhh my old and first post about Texas on here all those years ago), any who, I hope to make that happen. So Time in winding down and I am beginning to freak out. Speaking of that, I have to head to the DMV tomorrow to get my ID renewed. Hopefully this will be my last time renewing it as a permit and soon the license will come!

On that night, I'm coming to my conclusion of this entry. It is 1:11am and I've been up since round 8:30, isn't early for my people but it is for me. Tomorrow is my day off so I can breathe a little bit before I have to work this weekend. As for work this is my official not working until close shift ever. I will be able to leave work at 7pm and I am ecstatic!!!. On that NOTE!!! It's been a long day full of pizza,new shoes, and ice cream. Until Next time.

It is summer!

  

It is officially summer...at least it has been for like a month but regardless it is summer!. It's been about three months since my last post which is long but certainly not as long as the many mia trips I've taken before.

So what can I say, it is currently 9 minutes away from being 3am, I'm extremely tired and should be asleep but I felt like writing and why not? I don't work until 7pm tomorrow which I hate dearly. Any who I finished my summer semester two days ago. I've managed to finish with an A. So two semester down in my college career and I'm standing at a 4.0 and on the deans list. Yeah we'll see how long that last. I was shocked by the A in my last class, I was absolutely sold on getting a B, but hey I'll take it. So now I am officially free until August 22nd  from all school work and it feels weird. I plan to spend my summer...working because I'm an adult and Work doesn't stop!. Also painting, I haven't done it in about two months so I need to get back into it. I've also been taking walks around trails by my place, which has been something I have been wanting to do forever. For some reason I just never felt enough courage to actually go out and do it for some odd reason. But that all changed about three weeks ago. Now I'm addicted. I try to get in at least 4 miles every time I go. The first time I walked 7 miles; I couldn't walk for a week straight. I'm currently sore from the incline from yesterday, but a good workout burn is always good!.

So other than that I've been working on my driving, a goal I've been trying to accomplish for years now but about three months ago I put my foot down and finally pulled the plug. I've been driving for about four months now!. I made it a goal to get my license in fall sometime. I'm thinking around October or November.

I made a promise to myself that 2016 would be my year of accomplishing goals and growing as a person. I have learned a lot over the past two years. I've opened myself to many things, have changed my outlook on stuff. I've become much more optimistic and ready to take on things. Obviously I still have a lot of growing and learning to do but I feel like I'm ready.

So this is all I really wanted to say. It's starting to storm out and my eyes and starting to close. I hope to write many more entries much more frequently!!. Until next time.

I will be 27 years old in...like less than an hour

I have a habit of making a blog post at random. It's officially spring and I sit here with my head in twists. A nude nail polish next to me and a peach cobbler in my crock pot. Exciting Thursday night I am having. Also there is a rabbit next to me sneezing...or coughing, or doing some unexplainable rabbit noise. Anywho. My birthday is tomorrow. Every year for the past let's say four years my birthdays have been a bust. I find myself getting depressed, grumpy or just and overall Craptastic mood.

 However this year is different. For the first time in about 4 years I feel pretty good.

I believe that the previous years caused me to reflect on my life and made me realize that I wasn't where I wanted to be and not doing what I wanted to do. As I get older I realize that I need to do things that make me happy. Set goals for myself and actually accomplish them. Obviously I have a lot to learn still but I've learned more and more what I need to do to make me a better me.

So an update on my life currently, Spring semester is ending soon and it's been an interesting beginning journey so far. I'm taking three classes at the moment. I also registered for two summer classes as well, kill me now. A big goal I've mine that I've yapped about for years on here is to get my license, time and circumstance have caused me to have a delay in getting it but I made a vow to myself that in 2016, I would get it. So I've taken control of my uncles car and have been driving.

I believe come tomorrow I will feel okay about turning a year older. Also I will be getting a massage and facial done so that certainly helps. But on a serious note I am glad to not have that dread in my stomach or the reelection which turns to full blown teary meltdowns. Bring it on 27!

New Year, New things

So as you can see, in the pics above. The twists are back in and I have on Red lipstick. Life is good.

So it's a new year and by it being January this is also the anniversary of my last relaxer that was put in my head, almost 7 years ago.

It's crazy to think about the last day I put that relaxer in and started my long hair care journey. I never thought it would be 7 years later and still no relaxer. I am so glad to have made that decision.

So any who, it's a new year and I'm ready for change. To reflect back on my 2015. I have to say it was an interesting year. Lots of self growth and learning. It started out dreadful but finished nicely I would say.

I also finally and officially enrolled in school. Its something I've been wanting to do forever. I've have my blog plus my other blog for years and I always talked about enrolling but life always got in the way. I did go to school back in 2012 but I haven't worked in the field I went to school for. Typical, but that's okay I'm glad I did. I made it a goal to start school this year and so here I am in Spring semester doing homework...well not right now of course but I will be...later. I have to say I'm very happy that I  finally did it. It may not seem like a big deal but I procrastinated for years. YEAAAAAAARRRSSSS. Last year when I turned 26 I just didn't feel happy with where I was at in life and knew I had to make  change. I always knew I wanted to pursue a degree I just needed to push myself to do it. I know If I could go back in time and start school earlier I wouldn't have simply because I wasn't mature enough. I'm ready now and doing what I wanted to do. Anyway, I need to go. I work in about three minutes. My goal this year keep up with my freaking blog!!. Until next time.