Winding Down with space heaters and empty Humidifiers

It's 1:33am and I'm curled up in my messy bed, wearing compression socks and trying to fight the craving for snacking on some cheese and crackers. It's now February and I have to say my 2018 has started off absolutely terrible. It started with,
Break outs and lots of them
A Migraine from stress that hit me after a nice workout
A Car accident
Not having medical insurance
Having to now pay over 3 grand for damages which is going to steal from my savings, my car purchase and my own debt pay off.
Getting a cold for the first time in 4 years
My phone isn't responding on one side

Soooo....yeah and it's only February. I am currently trying to wind down but I have my first essay to write for this semester and I find myself feeling the same way I felt last semester and the previous spring semester. Overwhelmed. I am still getting over my cold. I spent 6 days laying in my bed watching the sun come up and come down, full of fatigue and feelings of depression. I m kind of shocked at how awful my year has been so far. I'm trying to stay strong and tough it all out but I feel almost sick of toughing it out and pushing through. I try to stay on top of everything, workout, et right, other things I need to do daily that I won't mention here but it's super important. I feel like there are simply not enough hours in the day. I know most people feel that way. I know that I'm having a moment of weakness and a lot of that has to do with school right now but man has this year sucked for me and IT"S ONLY FEBRUARY. Anyway...it's late and I'm sleepy. It's now 2:15am and my nose is semi clogged.

I ate cheese and crackers



...and finished off some mini oreo thins. I need to get back to working out. Until next time.

December 2017 Wrap up

So here I am at 11:13 am on a freezing Sunday soon to be afternoon. I wanted to make a post simply because it's sort of tradition for me to wrap up my December with a reflection post. So where do i begin?

2017 to look back wasn't really a year of anything for me. I just sort of continued on doing what I have been doing and trying to stick with it. A year of consistency, at least trying to be. I look back on this year as a year of pain due to me losing my great grandmother. A year of trying to figure out how to be stronger and stand my ground and let things go. A year of playing around with my natural hair, finally learning how to do the wash and go and realizing that waiting for my natural hair to reach a certain length to do certain things with it is a waste of time. Just enjoy my hair right now and make it cute. I am 28 years old in 2017, so I find myself learning how to work this adult thing. Feeling grown and feeling like a kid other times. I've reflected a lot on my life and while I obviously have a lot to learn and still don't know where I'm going, I do know where I want to go and know that everyday I learn more. I'm also highly confused and unsettled but after reading a bit...it's quite normal especially at my age.  So in 2017 I don't go in with resolutions. I'm going in with goals I already set up for myself. I hope to have one giant bill paid, get A's and B's in in Spring Semester. Continue working out and buy myself a damn car!!!!!!!!!!!!. Laugh more, do more, see more, smile on the inside more. So on that note, I usually have more to say but my lack of ranting is pretty much a reflection of this year, I'm just doing me and don't have much to say about it. Until next time.




See ya next year

A Random night post after an off day

It's thanksgiving night and I sit here having a very rare day of feeling off, irritated, down and overwhelmed. I woke up this morning to the fresh scent of a clean comforter and throw blankets, because that following evening I came home from work with a bed full of cat vomit. I slept like crap as well, on and off awake all night. So I went to work today and it was dead slow as it usually is on Holidays, towards the end of the night at work I started to feel just off and frustrated and sad. I got home and made a sad can of beef stew and sat in bed. I finished quite a bit of school work because tomorrow morning I'm watching my baby cousin for a loooong time and I wanted to get all of my more challenging work out of the way. As I sat in my room going back and forth from watching Boomerang on tv and playing games and scrolling Instagram. I got really sleepy but it was only 9pm and I was not trying to check out that early. I checked some of my grades online and my grade went down a few points which pissed me off This biology class I'm taking, I feel like I can't win in it. I get a few good grades my overall grade doesn't move, then it randomly drops and I'm already at a C which I will happily take but a D I cannot. It's just frustrating and what's even more irritating is I found more assignments that are due for the damn class. We are reaching the end of the semester, my nails are breaking off, I had some period breakouts and after a wonderful week of great gym sessions I put it all off to get my work done. I can't have a good gym session If I know have loads of school work to do.  Anyway, we are reaching the end of the semester and my two other classes are finishing up with work, but this DAMN class is just more and more by the minute. I feel overwhelmed. I think all of this was amplified by the fact that when I got home, I didn't have anything really to work on in that moment and I just felt bored.  A feeling I don't feel often because I always keep myself busy. I think today was just one of those days, a long overdue bad day. My freshly washed comforter is now stained with an chocolate almond that decided to roll underneath me so now melted chocolate is everywhere. I feel like I'm merely existing and everything around me i just crumbling little by little and I mean that in the least dramatic way possible.  Today was just one of those days and I feel like crap. I feel ugly and fat, invisible and gross. Man oh man is being a female, or human for that matter is just origin sometimes for no reason. Anyway I should be getting to bed, I'm sure I'll sleep terrible and babysitting until evening tomorrow will surely do a number on me. Until next time.

November update, missing in action once again

I had zero clue that I hadn't posted since December of last year. But then again I'm not really surprised at my lack of commitment to this blog. Anyway, every once in a blue moon I remember this blog and read through my old posts and then I get an itching to write. So today on this chilly November afternoon before I go to work shortly I shall post. So where the freak do I even begin...it's been a year almost!!. Okay...so maybe I'll rewind back. So my last post was in December, I made a goal to get in shape and actually take getting in shape seriously and losing some weight because I gained like 900 lbs over the past few years, because you know?, "Adulthood". Honestly I had made a quiet little goal to myself that if I passed my road test I would work out...I figured I wouldn't pass so then I would have an excuse not to workout hahahahahah....so I guess it's good I passed which by the way it's been a year since I go my License!!!, crazy right?. Anyway so back to getting in shape, I did, I mean I am, getting there. Went from 179 to now 159. 20 lbs bruh! I've definitely made going to the gym a priority and a huge part go my life. A big reason for it, buying cute workout clothing. My wardrobe has grown and I look fabulous in my gym clothes. I still have a long way to go and have definitely slacked off a few months since Fall semester has been in session. But this week I put in that work!. I think I'm finally getting back into my workout groove and I'm very happy about it.

Speaking of school, I'm full time, and taking a Biology class from the pits of the devil's butt crack. I have about three weeks of the semester left and I'm impatiently waiting. I've got a paper to revise, a paper to write and a load of biology labs to start but I'm almost there. Fingers crossed light at the end of the tunnel is visible. One thing that happened in my life and something I will not dwell on because I simply can't but I lost my great grandmother september 21st. I'm still devastated, I'm still hurting, I miss her everyday but that is something I will not talk about on here because I already said my peace.

So what else...I'm sort of seeing someone, we aren't official, we've talked for 4 years and it wasn't until last February...another motivator for getting in shape that we finally met up in real life. He lives two hours away so that makes things a bit tricky but we've gotten together a few times now. It's been great, he's great. We trying to get as much done when he comes, art museums, restaurants, science museums etc. Or just be lazy and lay in bed. So far I'm content with my love life. It still weird me even having one considering I went sooooooo...soooooo long without one.

2016 reflection in early December.

I usually put a picture as my header but I decided screw it. I have also cried about 3 times about stories of animals. It's1:54am feeling my melatonin kick in, not my natural melatonin of course but the OTC pills I take on occasion to fall asleep. I just finished the series Search Party a show on TBS which I just binged over the last two days. I was deciding on if I should watch another episode of Pitch before I go to bed, another show that I just started watching, but I decided to write instead and babble as I do since it's been a little bit.

So I've been thinking about life a lot lately, overall I have been proud of myself for accomplishing my goals. I don't make New Years resolutions but I made goals that I wanted to accomplish this year, as a fresh start, so in a way it is a resolution but I'd rather call them goals because the new year isn't the biggest factor but more so a reflection if that make sense. I finished off my 2015 year on a roll of wanting to get things done and while 2016 has been challenging in all sorts of ways, I have done things I set out to do.

I have to say that it all started with my Marley twists, putting those twists in my hair was a stepping stone for me as odd as that sounds. As a kid who would get a new pair of shoes or jeans but then chicken out and not want to wear them in fear of what others would say, I spent a good chunk of my life not doing things because of what other people would think. I don't think I'm a special little snowflake because many people go through this is much more severe cases than me just not wanting to wear a certain pair of jeans, however this did have a huge effect on me for years long after. As I get older I do care less. It began to hit me more in my early 20's and now in my late 20's on a scale to 1-10 I'm at a 9 and 1/4. Putting those twists in my hair was daring and something I had never done before. Before that I had began dating heavily and putting myself out there which I had never done before which resulted in a new level of self awareness and self confidence. That coupled with the twists that really set in motion the things I felt I needed to do. So once I had those twists in my hair, my attitude began to change. I bought lipstick for the first time, typical nudes and then BAM!! Ruby Woo from MAC and then it was on. By doing these small things I realized that fear was holding me back, and while fear would never go away I wasn't going to allow it to stifle my life anymore. I mentioned in another post about how every year I would be hit with tears and sorrow on my birthday because I didn't like where my life was at and that for the first time in like 5 years that feeling is gone because I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Before I started the goal accomplishing I remember reading a quote about how if you were being overwhelmed by feelings of not being happy with where you were at that shows that you aren't doing what you need to be doing and I applied that and started going for it.

School was one of the biggest decisions because I wanted to go but always backed out. I wanted to start school during the Fall semester of 2015 but couldn't and forced  myself and I mean FORCED myself to get all of my accuplacer studying done so I couldn't register for the Spring semester in which I made happen. The day I walked out of the accuplacer testing and knew that I was enrolling in school finally, I became overwhelmed with happiness. I felt 'grown up" in a weird way. Once I enrolled in my first semester I felt the confidence kicking in. Then the long awaited goal of getting my license which just happened a month ago really made me feel good.

Getting my license especially is something I've blogged about since 2009. I forced myself to get out on the road during the spring, I had spent countless years making a plan on getting myself out there during the spring and summer, literally I would fantasize about me driving during those seasons and learning well and accomplishing my goal, but due to busy relatives it was so hard to have someone teach me but the final straw in what made me really push for my license was one night, I came home from work and was struggling to get a ride, at the time I hadn't set up UBER and the Taxi company was super busy, I asked my uncle for a ride home and I was met with complaints about how I needed to get my own car, in which set me off on a rage of complete and utter irritation. He had promised for months to take me out driving but excuse after excuse and I gave up hope that I would ever drive, until that night, that final complaint, that was the last straw. The next day I bullied my uncle into taking me out to drive. So in late April I shakily circled parking lot after parking lot and from that point on I used every single opportunity to get out driving, a lot of the time by myself which yes is a illegal but HEY!, a girl has got to learn. Driving by myself really made me focus and I spent all of April through July really driving every single weekend I was off and any time during the week I could get practice in. 

I really worked hard these last few months to accomplish my goals I set for myself. I am writing this entry now in early December because unless I'm hit with a reflective mood on New Years Eve I will most likely forget to blog and be on another 8 month hiatus. 

But anyway I am just rambling about my life, it al started with hair and here I am now. Slowly setting up goals for the upcoming year, and the next chapter of my life. I don't really know yet what my goals are yet but I'm sure I'll figure out something and then going about that work will come shortly after. So anyway that's all I wanted to say tonight, it's 2:30am and I wanted to be sleep around 1am...Hmm...there's a goal right there. Until next time.

Accomplishing my goals, Daylight Savings sucks and ramblings

A blurry picture of orange leaves

So an update. It is now November, my last entry was in September and I was being hit with the autumn nostalgia that I feel every single Fall. Now I am feeling the burnt out, dreadful dark at 5pm irritation, that makes me want November to be over with a quickness but I also don't want December to come because of the snow. I had every intention of going on a lovely fall walk and snapping pictures of the leaves before they completely fell, however the picture above is the only picture I have taken and I was in the car, while the car was moving. So what a fail that was. The leaves have almost fallen off completely and I am completely over it. So on to the good stuff.

I currently have Marley twists in my hair, I put them in almost two weeks ago, four and a half hours of Clueless and Cruel Intentions on Netflix and I was done. I resorted back to the original YA MAN brand of Marley hair when I first installed them. I bought 7 packs and only used 3 and a half which is amazing because the Vanessa Brand I bought last time I ran through 5 packs of hair that didn't even want to twist into my hair right. So lesson learned. I wanted to put the twists in because I went to a Thunder From Down Under show with a friend so I wanted my hair to be no fuss and fabulous which it was. Also I was getting sick of doing my hair and I'm running out of hair products, so a win win all around.

At the end of September I scheduled my road test, yes the long awaited test that I have dreaded all my life. I scheduled it in Eagan, MN. So as you can imagine I spent the rest of September and October stressing hardcore. Also my month of October was absolutely horrid. My cat got sick so I spent a crap load of money getting him taken care of which in return hurt me hard financially. I was in a never-ending cycle of one thing after the other, plus my personal relationships with friends and a little closer than friends relationship all began to act crazy and crumble to pieces. October was a terrible month for me, from start to finish. 

So besides all of that chaos in October, my road test...so I scheduled it for November 2nd, so from that point on I was freaking out. I spent the last three weeks getting in parallel parking practice which I did successfully but I wanted more practice before I went but my uncle became insanely lazy so that never happened. I also spent numerous hours online, Youtube more specifically looking at all driving videos, of people telling the tales of their own road tests, plus practice and tip videos. All which made me even more nervous and sick to my stomach. On top of this, my class which I wasn't doing too hot in had my second exam due the weekend after my road test, also the Thunder From Down Under with my friend and also my cousin's baby shower, so I had a lot going on, now add nerves to that and it's all a giant mess. So I ended up withdrawing from my class because I realized it was taking up so much of my time and making it harder for me to focus in another class so I had to ease up. So I withdrew the week before my test because I knew I wasn't going to be able to focus whatsoever.

The ROAD TEST

So the day of the test, I slept awful obviously, I woke up that day and only ate a rice cake, food does not work when I'm full of NERVES!. So my uncle and I arrived around 12:40, my text being at 1pm. We had to drive about 25 minutes away to Eagan which is a suburb of St.Paul, the last time I was in Eagan I was with a guy I spent my summer and fall with during 2014, so now when I think of Eagan...I don't think about my late night childhood trips to the Walmart they have out there and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. So anywho...I prayed that I would get this old man instructor who was nice but instead out walks this young hipster with ray bans, tight pants, side part, slick hair who is full of tats. Granted he was hot but I DID NOT WANT HIM TO BE MY EXAMINER. He got in the car and I thought I was going to puke, he made me so nervous. He asked me to turn on the signal lights and to make a long story short, the right one decided to break, we had 45 min to go get it fixed and come back before my appointment would have to be rescheduled and I was not about to reschedule this test considering I booked it more than a month ago. After he walked away to talk to my uncle, I was met with the gaze of other ladies taking their test and ironically all Black.  I told the girl to the left of me how nervous I was, she started freaking out as well but her boyfriend was like girls calm down. So we went to the auto shop got the part and I resumed my position in the lane. I then began practicing my breathing, and praying hard that I didn't get Mr.Hipster, seriously out of all the examiners I get the young hot one. So I sat in the car impatiently waiting for my examiner. I then saw.  Hipster walk out of the building with an older man and I started breathing even harder, I wanted to cry. But then a miracle happened and the hipster began walking to the other car, he glanced at me and waved and I waved back, screaming in my head how happy I was about not getting him.

So the old man got in the car and went over the course and then we began. I was insanely nervous but would have been more nervous if Mr. Hipster was in the car with me. I stopped at an intersection with no stop sign like an idiot, bent the pole of 90 degree back in and parallel parking was garbage. By doing all of that I was like oh well I had failed I am done. I swear two minutes after me doing terrible, he told me to pull over and park. We parked and he said, " Well you passed".

I PASSED.

I was in a state of shock because 1. I had barely eaten. 2. I was full of adrenaline and 3. I'm pretty sure I was blacked out during the rest of that test.

He then rambled about football and then got out and I walked past my uncle telling him that I passed, he thought I was going to fail after I bent that pole but I ended up getting a better score on the back in then the parking.

So I went into the DMV in a state of shock and anxiousness because I had to be at work very soon. So I got my picture taken. Got back home, ate some McDonalds and then went to work and worked my butt off. When I got home it finally hit me that I had passed my road test and have finally after 27 years I now have my license. Crazy right?.

So that night my body finally began to relax from the adrenaline. I CRASHED, I was out like a light. I woke up the next day fairly early and it hit me as soon as I woke up that omg...I have a drivers license. So I then began to feel super happy and pumped up. I finally did it, I finally accomplished my goal that I have been trying to for so many years. I did it, and can't believe I did it. The next day I was able to actually process it and feel the excitement of having accomplished one of my biggest goals ever. I had made a promise to myself that I would have my license by the time I went to Texas again, that and something else but I can't mention that. Anyway, my license still hasn't come in the mail, I am getting quite impatient so hopefully soon I will have it because going out to various places that require ID is no fun.

That weekend I went to Thunder From Down Under where I had a lot more fun than I thought I would seeing these half naked men prance around with bodies I'm even jealous of. Busting out Channing Tatum choreo from Magic Mike. So my drivers test was a success and I had a fun weekend following that. So what's next in store?, buying a car. So I don't mean to cut this short but it's late and I'm exhausted and this post is long. It's bedtime for me. So in conclusion, I have made many entries in this blog an my old blog about wanting to drive but not having anyone be able to take me out, I also has such a huge fear of it. But I finally got over it that day I got out there in April and worked super hard driving as much as I could so I could accomplish my goal of getting my license FALL 2016. I did it!, finally!. Until Next time.

It's the September blues...kinda

I'd usually post a picture of my latest hair style but my hair is so very uninspiring right now. So here we go, it is officially September, at least it has been for 8 days now...9 if you count that I'm writing this after midnight. We are officially heading into Fall season. Probably my most favorite season. For some reason I always get in the mood to watch Roseanne and Home Improvement. The Halloween episodes of each show. Although I've never fully celebrated Halloween, I've always enjoyed the atmosphere of it. The candy, the scary stories and movies. The crispness of dying that fall brings is so warming to me. Oh and Fall Candles are the best.

So my last few months have been filled with stress and self pity...I felt like I wasn't accomplishing my goals and it was making me extremely frustrated. I also just felt lost because of me being out of school for like 4/5 weeks left me feeling unproductive. Overall my month of August sucked major donkey feet. My weekends that I was off of work were absolutely terrible. As weird as that sounds I dreaded my weekends off because I knew I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Now add some issues with other human beings and you've got a recipe for a crapy weekend. It's just been really tough dealing with life lately and trying to keep my head up.

As for my hair...well I haven't done much to it. In fact I'm all out of hair products and need to buy some. It's been a while since I made a post about new hair products I use so I will need to do that!. But yeah, my hair is just blag right now, I've been craving straight hair but the humidity and storms we've been getting in this early September have been an obstacle. So I may not be able to get this hair straight until much deeper into Fall. I thought about putting Marley twists back in. I really do enjoy the protective styling but I feel like I'm to lazy to spend four hours installing them. Plus I'm not ready to give up my curls yet. I just don't know what to do with my hair!.

Any who school is back in session since the 22nd of August. My third class begins next monday so I'm kind of like.."Ehhhhhhblehhh", not sure what sound that makes but that is how I'm feeling. School doesn't suck right now but other areas of my life do so at this moment I'm quite bleak. Bleak indeed. As for my driving, it severely lacked in August so that is one of the reasons I was insanely irritated. I'm hoping to get some more practice done because My goal was OCTOBER!!!, however I may have to push it to November. Ultimately I made  goal to myself to have my license but the next time I go out of town to Texas(Ahhhh my old and first post about Texas on here all those years ago), any who, I hope to make that happen. So Time in winding down and I am beginning to freak out. Speaking of that, I have to head to the DMV tomorrow to get my ID renewed. Hopefully this will be my last time renewing it as a permit and soon the license will come!

On that night, I'm coming to my conclusion of this entry. It is 1:11am and I've been up since round 8:30, isn't early for my people but it is for me. Tomorrow is my day off so I can breathe a little bit before I have to work this weekend. As for work this is my official not working until close shift ever. I will be able to leave work at 7pm and I am ecstatic!!!. On that NOTE!!! It's been a long day full of pizza,new shoes, and ice cream. Until Next time.