I've been nursing a tension headache for a week. My stress level is at an all time high. And my anger was on 10 today.
This semester has been the most stressful, nerve wrecking, irritating, time consuming and depressing ever. Since the last time I wrote, my math class has done nothing but drive me crazy every single week, where I question my entire college existence. The amount of work I've been putting in has been insane. I knew this semester would be tough, but I wasn't prepared for just how tough.
On top of all of that, and the major source of my anger, I made the choice to apply for a full time position at my job. I've been saving for a car forever it seems, and the opportunity to go full time finally presented itself. I thought I had it in the bag until the one person who has more seniority over me, decided to apply for the same exact position. So now I'm screwed. I woke up today bright and early to repot a very root bound plant which turned into a nightmare, which set the tone for my entire mood of the day. Even though it's the last day of my work week before I'm off until Monday, I am filled with more stress and anxiety and anger. My whole shift was filled with frustration and I had many moments where I had to sit and just take a breathe. I'm mentally worn out and it's getting to me. I'm physically in pain because of my stress headache, and have no way of relieving any of it. So I decided to write. Write it down and maybe that would help. I'm not sure what the next couple of weeks are going to bring but I have to say that, the last year has been rough. Every single month I have a new frustration.
This semester has only gotten worse since my first week, and I expect the end result to be just devastating. I have only one class to pass in order to graduate and once again it will be math getting in my way. Math stopped me from walking in my own high school graduation. It's always been a huge obstacle in the way of the choices I've made in life career wise. But I decided to go back to school and try, and believe me, I am trying. I refuse to give up and that itself is making me even more angry, as odd as that sounds. I've learned how to really push myself these last few years. I've learned that if I do put in work, I will get something in return. So this is why I keep pushing. This semester has been testing me, and I do feel defeated but I won't give up.
But I do hope the next time I decide to write a blog entry, I will have something positive to say, because as of right now, everything sucks major ass. Seriously. I don't know what's going to happen job wise, right now I have no hope of getting what I want because I just got screwed over. It just really sucks because the one and only time I ever want to make a change, I get hit with a big haha nope. I feel like I fall steps backward when it comes to me wanting to make change financially. It's like something out of my control even though it feels like it's in my control. Anyway I am sad, I am unhappy, I am angry and I hurt. It's just been one of those times in my life. So again...maybe next time I write, I'll be in a better place, but at the moment, I feel like that is almost impossible. Until next time.
