It's Spring.

It's my birthday month and it's cold and crisp and the snow comes and goes and it's getting old real quick.

So it's 2:07am. I would love to wind down but I spent two hours taking my political science midterm which sucked. But I am glad it's over so I don't have that hanging over my head this weekend. 

I have to do my taxes tomorrow and go grocery shopping. I need to look up more recipes on how to make overnight oats which surely...well maybe might be gross but I need to get inspired again to try out new things and eat right. I've been fitness inspired the whole week yet making time to actually get to the gym hasn't been easy because my school load was heavy this week. I do work this weekend but I think I can get in a workout friday,saturday and Sunday.  My friend had a gym membership so going to the gym with her has been very fun and great for my body even though I'm bloated and haven't made much progress in months, but understandably so, I've cut myself some slack because I'm still grieving and I've had a lot of negative things hit me, but I still make the effort to go to the gym.

Anyway...It's April and I probably won't make another post until like June or something. So this birthday is a big deal. It's the last year I will be in my 20s. I will be 29 years old and...man...have my 20s gone by fast. Well...not fast but...it's just caused for me to reflect a lot. My life has had many changes in the last 4/5 years. I stopped speaking to my" Best Friend" of like 14 years because she was toxic in more ways than one.  She had always been toxic but it was to the point that when I received texts from her I would get angry right away, that was not good. She was jealous and competitive and as I got older I just became exhausted from it. When I think back now and it's honestly only been a few months since she texted me but it's going on like two years well three of me not exactly talking to her, I find that I don't really miss her. There are times I think of how funny she was but that was in high school and that was in between all of her negative energy that would suck me down and I've moved on to better things. I got out of my stand still.

Dating. That was a huge one. That gave me confidence and opened up a part of my life that didn't existed for so many years. It taught me a lot. A whole lot and caused me to discover that I have an issue that other women face. Something I don't want to talk about here because I feel like I should make a separate blog about it but I barely keep up with this one. Anyway It's an issue that is curable and something I'm working on but something that wow...I didn't know anything about.

As I approach the end of my 20s I reflect more and I do feel lost and sad and happy and conflicted.  But I learn that I'm complex and everyday I learn. I'm still sad honestly about my grandmother passing. It's been hard for me to cherish moments that put me in a good mood because I think about her and realize she's not here anymore and, she spent 28 years in my life and...that was it. I'm well aware of the grieving process, but it's been a while since it's hit me. I've been through a lot emotionally.

I remember being a kid and being in the backseat of my mom's car and this is before I started wearing glasses when I first noticed the blurry visions because the streetlights wouldn't be clear. We'd be driving down the street at night leaving my grandma's place which I would always be sad about because my grandmas place was the funnest place ever. But we'd make our way through these streets and 90's R&B would be on, Blackstreet, Montell Jordan etc. Then I would hear 90s house and dance remixes and I would imagine what people in their 20s did. Go out to clubs, have fun that I didn't know the details of what that actually consisted of but I knew it was fun. I remember it being a summer day and my mom and dad were driving out to meet family and we stopped at a gas station and I just remember having a gatorade in my lap and looking out at the highway an sunny blue skies and just being the happiest ever. My grandma mom and uncle were leaving a store one day it was tiny yet this sky was purple and as I looked at the purple sky I kept thinking about babydoll and Full House. Yes the tv show. I think about being in the 7th and 8th grade and this time after my mom passed watching WWE smackdown and WWW Raw with my cousins and getting sooooo pumped up about the Rock  beating up on everyone. I remember burning my wrist before the first day of kindergarten and watching saturady morning cartoons and feeling like the cereal aisles were full of endless cereal flavors that I would get to try when I got older. This moment my dad and I took a walk to a lake and I came back home and walked around outside kicking around mushrooms. Being addicted to the Backstreet Boys when I was 8 and listening to their CD on full blast and I recorded the Their Concert and The Parent Trap on Disney Channel.

These are memories I cherish. As I finish of my 20s I hope to create something, a memory of some sort that can bring me out of the funk that I'm in. I know I have to work at it mostly now but my  happy feeling moments come at random and are few and far in between. I know I sound straight up depressed, I promise I'm not but I am sad. It's 2:36am now. I should probably go to sleep. I'm off tomorrow thank goodness but work the weekend. Bleh. I most likely won't post anymore until months after I turn 29. I check in then and hopefully I have something less sad to write about. Until next time.